TRUE STORIES….. FUNNY SITUATIONS….. GOOD TIMES
"My Girlfriend the Sex Coach"
My gf and I recently started having sex. I’m not sure the best way to explain it, so I’m going to just give you some examples of things she says during sex. “You’re doing great!” “Your technique and fundamentals are really good.” While going down on her: “Yes! Keep going! You can do it!” “Wow! That’s good. You must have been practicing!” Mind you, let me reiterate, these are things she is saying WHILE we are having sex. Yes, in the middle of the act, she keeps saying all these words of encouragement. What is she, my coach? I’m just so flabbergasted by this, I don’t even know what to say to her. She doesn’t even really talk dirty, she just will shout all these words of encouragement. I really have to dig deep in my mind for really dirty thoughts to stay in the mood because to me it is so ridiculous that I just want to burst out laughing sometimes.
S & M Jumpoff
About five years ago, I met this woman, and we talked for a few weeks over the phone, and eventually started fucking.
When we’d have sex, she’d have this dazed, distant look in her eyes. I was, ‘The fuck is wrong with this bitch’. It was either after our third or fourth time having sex that I stopped and said…
'Hey, if I ain't doing it for you, let me know. My world won't fall apart.'
Her: No, no. You’re doing good. But … I just like things a little different.
Me: Define ‘different’.
Her: Well … um . No, if I tell you, you’re going to think I’m crazy.
Me: Well, if we’re going to keep doing this, then you’re short changing your own self by not tellin’ me what you really like.
Her: No … because this is too different. You’ll just look at me strange, and then I’ll feel strange, and it’ll ruin everything. We can just keep doing it the way you’ve been doing.
Me: Nah. I mean, now you got me curious. Look, I’m not some sheltered dude. I’ve heard a lot of shit in my day, so it’ll be really hard for you to say something that would shock me. Trust me on this.
Her: You say that, but you don’t know what I have to tell you.
Me: Come on! Shit! What, you like to fuck animals? ‘Cause, if that’s it, then well … I can’t really get down with that.
Her: No!!!! Nothing crazy like that! Ok, ok…
….I like to be punched in the stomach while I’m lying on my back.
Her: See, you’re quiet!
Me: Nah, I’m just trying to figure out what you mean. Are you a masochist?
*Swear on everything Holy, when I asked that, that bitch eyes lit the fuck up*
Her: Yeah. I like to be punched REALLY hard. Most dudes bitch out. I’m looking for a real man. My ex-fiancee used to fuck my stomach up, but that’s the only way I can orgasm.
Me: Oh. ooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
We never fucked again.
I know my laws. Sado-Masochistic shit can be prosecuted, even when it’s consensual. That bitch get mad at me, and decides to take me to court? Sorry. It ain’t worth it.
i was with a guy once…he got on all 4s…then bent his dick backwards and told me to suck it…. weird shit
close second would be a guy who made girl sex noises…”yahhh baybeeeee” “yahhhh uh huh uh huh yahhhhh yahhhhh”
both were very (well at least the appeared) alpha males
by far the weirdest would be a guy i met….we only talked on the phone for a few days…but he loved farts…..he said it turns him on….i thought it was a joke at first…but he kept asking me questions about farts….what makes me fart….then he would ask me what i ate that day…and if i farted or not and if i would fart for him……..
San Jose. 1989. Mother/daughter combo. I bust off in mom’s mouth. Mom goes mother bird feeding chicks with the daughter. You figure it out.
I’m banging this one chick from behind, and I lightly smack her ass and she says, "Hit me harder!" Me: (Ron White voice)"Aight!" So, I’m smacking the shit out of this broad, and she’s like, "HARDER!!!" Sweet! Well, I started unloading on her ass cheeks Tyson style, and she’s like "Hurt me!" Well, by that time, my fucking hands are tingling and going numb, and then she says, "Hit me with your fists!" I was hitting this broad’s ass cheeks so hard, my wrist started hurting. After I bust off in her mouth and on her face, she goes, "Well, that was different!”
when I was 15, my boy had fucked this girl and said she refused to open her legs all the way. We went on a double date and she ended up eventually let me hit. My boy warned me, but she had huge tits and I was 15. I thought, he just don’t know what he is doing. Nope, same treatment. Legs open only enough to put it in and missionary only.
She was supposed to be hooking me up with her cousin, so that’s why we all went out. I could sense that she liked me and when I called her cousin, she got on the phone and told me she liked me.. I asked my boy and he gave me the green light. He had only hit once and after I didn’t go back after that shit either.
Vampire fetish. She liked to wear costume fangs, bite me, and pretend she was immortal. By that, I mean let me fuck as hard as I could each and every time. It was weird but the whole thing was very much a turn on… at first.
Bitch refused to remove the fangs during sessions which gets old after a few hookups. Obviously, she didnt suck dick and that’s a long-term killer for me so some other headless vampire slayer is probably beating them guts up now.
shorty i been fuckin for a few months invites me out to “talk”after appetizers she says that our sex isn’t exciting enoughi say what do u need…..she proceeds to list all the shit she needs to do to me to make our sex better…..she wants to handcuff me, slap and cut me, and the coup de grace she wants to put a butt plug in my ass…after i stop laughing i say how does me letting u imprison me and fuck me up make our sex better…."see thats what wrong with black men. u all have these hang ups. u can’t b free to try new things" check please
Chick kept saying “Make it hurt, please hurt it!” while I was hitting it from the back. This may have been the craziest chick I’ve ever been with…”Please do that thing when you leave your sneakers on. Dig me out like I’m a Chilean miner.” She wanted to be controlled…I think it was because she was a big time boss at her job, and she had like a hundred people under her, so all day she was calling the shots…when she got home…she took them all.
She is in finance, so we were talking about some mining company she was collaborating with for work. Then the conversation turned from maximizing production to safety to the mine collapse in Chile. We were drinking the entire time, so we were pretty drunk when we started, and that alcohol really brings out the subconscious in some people.
Damn I miss her
Met a white chick online…prolly Yahoo dating, back in the day. She came over, I started smashing, and right in the middle of it, she started crying and repeating She had to go home.. I shot a quick one and let her up and showed her to the door…
A one armed chick…don’t laff. GREAT puzzy!
I knew a chick who just liked to talk dirty on the phone…nonstop…
I got another white chick who likes to be abused and called nasty White ho…etc… bitch squirt like a mofo! She fucked up a hotel bed…
I had this babe I met online and the day I met her, she brought me a buncha movies…she came over late after work…I put a movie on and smashed…then next morning, she was giving me head and fell asleep with my dick in her mouth… A month later, I hit another chick from her office.
Fucked an early 2nd trimester pregnant chick in Alabama who wanted to put my dick and nuts in her while she was riding me.
Fucked a chick from NOLA who was very religious, never cursed, until she got the night stick in her.
Saying shit like “fuck this juicy pussy”, “roll that big black dick in me”. I was like .
I turned into Joe Pesci from GoodFellas on her ass, saying shit like, “you mudderfucker you”, throw that pussy girl
Chick I used to fuck with was on that dom/sub shit PLUS on some super bondage shit.
So I go over her house Friday, fuck her good, make her squirt and all. Woke up the next morning did it again - the bitch blew me while I fucked her with a giant arm-sized dildo, she fingered her ass while I fucked her. Bust on her face (I love that shit) and all.
I get a call the following night that her friend is coming over and wants me to join…
I get there and this 250 pound White broad, sloppy looking chick is there. I am not really into White broads, but definitely not fat White broads.
They start the bondage shit like they are building the ropes and shit, shit took like an hour, mind you when I got there it was like 3am. They finally start with the bondage shit (a bondage corset) and I get old girl to blow me but I shoo her friend away (I don’t even want that broad near my dick - fat sloppy bitch). I watched sloppy do ole girl with a strap-on but was disgusted because of how she looked (I felt like Eddie Murphy when he was discussing Calhoun in Harlem Nights)
Without even busting I turn over and go to sleep. I can’t do sloppy White. Not gonna do it. Fucking White beached whales. Nope. IDK what’s wrong with you Black dudes who like them sloppy White whales. Even thinking of that shit kills my wood.
I was single and living in southern states for most of these events:1)Met a chick online and the same night got an invite to come over and smash. Being a youngin I roll over no questions asked. Smashing starts immediately, no drinks or small talk. Should have thought something was up. She’s alone in a big ass house, we only could fuck in one area of the bed, the computer is on across the room and she is more into looking at it than me. Half way through she tells me she is video chatting with her husband and he like when she gets fucked by guys when he’s outta town. She goes to the computer and flips to the video of him (big fat white dude). He smiles and waves at me. Not missing a beat she asks if I’ll fuck her ass. Sure just change the screen so I don’t see him! - Pussy and ass was good got invited to fuck again but never smashed again2)Again I’m a youngin, fucked a chick in my truck on a dirt road during our first meeting. Get finished and she asked why I didn’t hit her and why I didn’t come with a group of guys… Didn’t know it was that kind of party – Never smashed again too much of a hoe!3)Fucked a freaky as chick for a while that could never stay wet (you can say it was me but the chick had a TON of lube in her house). Shit gets annoying when she wants to fuck for hours and you go through whole bottles of lube. - Time passed and lube is expensive so we stopped fucking after a few months4)Fucked a chick that would bring over her girlfriends. We would drink, start messing around, next thing I know she would convince her friend to give me head with her. Shit was good! Next move was to the bedroom where she wouldn’t let them come in. They had the extra salty look on their face. She did this multiple time with multiple chicks. Yes a few returned with her a second time to just dome me up then sleep on the couch while I banged out their friend. – Would still bang her but we live in different states now!5)Fucked a Hispanic chick who only wanted to fuck on her trampoline in her backyard. Shit was fun the first time but got old real quick. – Escaped that chick. She was getting to clingy 6)Used to get head from the BIG TITTY chick… In my truck right outside her house almost every night. Said she had a dog that didn’t like guys (I didn’t give a fuck). Never smashed just would get dome till I nutted then she would swallow and get out. Anyway, her fantasy was to give me dome while I drank a slushy drink in my truck… So I got to have a drink and get domed up till I nutted no matter how long it took her.. Nice! - Chick started to do low budget porn… Had to break that off7)Had a chick follow me home from the bar. She started crying immediately when she got to my apartment. Mind you she drove her own car its only 10pm and she’s not drunk. So, she could have not come or left at any time. She calms down we do some small talk and about 10 mins later she jumps on me starts grinding and taking cloths off… and fucking crying again. I’m like we don’t have to mess around we can just chill. She explains, “she is going to do this and wants to.” We end up fucking. Shit was weird. 10 mins of great fucking followed by 3 mins of sobbing. I had to stop and ask her if she was ok every time she started crying, she would say yes then back to more fucking. I fake nutted to end it. I felt sad after we fucked never had a chick crying while giving me head and fucking me. – Let that basket case go
Hitting this chick that was making too much damn noise, first I covered her mouth but that took too much work. So after getting frustrated I slapped the shit out of her and she Nutted all over the place, said it was the best nut she ever had…… I was like
Had this fine ass beautiful red bone i was fucking off and on for months but things started getting more consistent….like 3 four times a week.pussy good than a muthafucka just had a sub par head game.we over her friend apartment on her knees slobbing the knob and looking up at me crazy.so i tell her lets try something else cause I wasn’t feeling it.she said cool so we go to the kitchen table. tearing it up.now only thing on my mind while she screaming is to crack this table in half.but while digging she say i want you to get on my chest and come in my face.i was like sure whatever.i get on her chest and i see some of the worst sex faces i ever seen. i mean her head back her mouth wide open her tongue all out and all these fillings in her teeth. shit just killed my vibe man. i’m jacking off like crazy trying to bust while she looking at me crazy again,like a excited desperate puppy saying ahhhhh ahhhhh ahhhhhh skeet in my face baby ahhhhh skeet in my face. i couldnt do it.those faces were killing me. we continued to fuck off and on but i never could skeet in her face.
Had a chick that would yell out “YES SIR, YES SIR” repeatedly. ……
Normally I wouldn’t have a problem w/ it, but she had previously told me about how she had been molested when she was younger so it was kinda weird.
I had one chick down south that I met online that was a straight freak. On her birthday, I showed up to her crib with my homeboy. She had no idea he was coming with me. We both got sucked up and fucked her. She was cool with it, but later told me not to bring the hommie back because he wasn’t packing enough for her.
Another time, I came by her crib on the late night… We hadn’t fucked in a minute. I fucked her all night, pussy and throat, chocked her, pulled her hair, smacked her ass till it showed hand prints. I wrote a cum tally on her ass cheeks, ONe side said Slut, the other said my name. And the craziest part is, I got up and said I had to piss, she follows me, hops in the tub and says piss in her mouth and on her. I got pictures of it all.